But I Thought He Was
by boyamiconfuzed
Summary: In which Remus discovers that several of his friends were caught offguard by his engagement to Tonks. Slash is mentioned, then vehemently denied. Poor Remus.
1. Remus

Entire story edited for spelling and format issues 6/17/10

* * *

"So you and Tonks are getting married? Wow." said Harry; he looked rather dazed, as if he had just been broadsided by a train.

"Wow." he said again. Remus sighed

"Yes Harry, you said that already said that a few minutes ago, when I walked in and asked you what was wrong and then you asked that and I said 'Why yes we are.' and then you said it again, and then I told you that you were repeating yourself, and now that you're up to speed on the conversation, can you tell me what's wrong with you?"

"Wow" Harry repeated once more. He looked more confused than ever now.

"Yes that was a long sentence. It had far too may 'ands'," Remus said, and then added, "Do you not like Tonks?"

"What?" said Harry. He seemed to be having trouble understanding what Remus was saying. Then it suddenly caught up with him and he said, "No! No, it's just that..." he hesitated, "Ithoughtyouweregay."

"WHAT!" Remus yelled

"Sorry! Sorry!" Harry apologized quickly, cowering before the wrath of Remus, "It's all straightened out now... Ha ha! Straightened... Sorry. Not funny. It just surprised me at first, I'm ok now."

* * *

"Hello Remus!" Ron called. "Are you alright? You look a bit off."

Ron was seated on the edge of a desk, and appeared to be examining Hermione with great interest. Hermione sat on the other side of the desk, scribbling furiously on a piece of parchment and completely ignoring Ron.

Remus came over and sat next to Ron with a sigh, "I'm fine. Just questioning Harry's intelligence."

"Don't bother mate," Ron said sagely, "Harry's angst wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a thin layer of stupidity and dumb luck wrapped in bravery wrapped in more angst."

"Thank you, that needlessly complex analogy makes me feel better for some reason." He smiled weakly, "What's Hermione doing?"

"Oh her," Ron said. "She got something wrong and now she's trying to figure out why."

"What did she get wrong?" Remus asked. He had been under the impression Hermione was never wrong, like most women were.

"She thought you were gay." Ron said simply.

"WHY?" Remus cried. This was not a fun day, he had shouted more in the last hour than in the last ten years of his life.

"Because that's what all the evidence suggests!" Hermione shouted and slammed down her quill. "The tragic illness, the friendly nature, the love of reading, being so soft-spoken and helpful!" By this point in her speech she was almost crying. "You're either gay or the protagonist, and Harry's already the protagonist! And you spent all that time with Sirius, and you never had a girlfriend and when you hugged Sirius in the Shrieking Shack! Until Tonks came along it all fit!" Now that her argument was in the open she deflated, put her head down in the desk, and began sobbing softly. Ron patted her absently on the head.

"Which isn't to say I'm not happy for you!" She sobbed as an afterthought.

"Has it occurred to you that he might be the protagonist of another story?" Ron asked her, still totally calm. He turned to a rather shocked Remus and said, "By the way, have you two set a date yet?" Remus ignored him.

"Oh come on," Remus said. "Sirius is... was my only friend who wasn't dead or as good as dead! You don't call Ron and Harry gay because they spend lots of time together! And we hugged because we hadn't seen each other in twelve years and until recently I thought he had killed my other friends! It was a brotherly hug! Ron, you have brothers, you understand!"

Ron frowned, "I'd love to help you mate. I really would, but I've...er, never actually hugged any of my brothers. Ginny does all the hugging. Us Weasley's just grunt and slap each other on the back and then Fred or George or both put something slimy down your back."

"ARGH!" Remus said and stormed away.


	2. Tonks

Welcome all to my first ever second chapter. If for some reason you still think I own anything and am worth suing, I'm sorry you're obviously crazy. If, however, you send me twenty bucks, I will see the error of my ways and proclaim you sane.

* * *

"Tonks!" Kingsley Shacklebolt called across the Auror's Office as he strode toward her. He didn't shout; Kingsley Shacklebolt never shouted. The mere sound of his voice was enough to command the attention of a stadium full of people.

Tonks turned and flashed a giant smile, "Wotcher Kingsley. What's the word?" she said with an easy informality that would have been insulting from anyone else.

Kingsley looked uncomfortable, and Tonks was surprised. She had always thought nothing bothered Kingsley. He was like a duck; the problems rolled right off his back like water. He had a constitution of steel. He was a steel duck. A steel duck that sank to the bottom of the pond and walked around frightening fish...

Kingsley had caught up with Tonks, who was now staring at the air by his left ear with her mouth hanging open. "But how would it breathe?" she muttered.

Kingsley sighed; this was a fairly regular occurrence with Tonks. He had asked her once where her mind went when it wandered. Tonks had responded with an elaborate and nonsensical monologue regarding books and whether or not they had feelings. She had thought they must have feelings and therefore regarded annotating older volumes as cruel. 'Wouldn't it hurt if someone came along and stapled commentaries and illustrations and footnotes all over you?' she had said. Since then Kingsley had stopped asking her what she was thinking.

"Tonks." He said sharply.

"Oh! Yes! Sorry." she said as she left the world of underwater poultry and returned to the here and now.

"It's about this Lupin chap..." he began, and then trailed off because he suddenly realized that talking with Tonks about this probably wasn't the best choice.

"What about Remus?" Tonks asked curiously.

"Well," Kingsley started again, "It's just that...you know...well honestly I always thought he was gay."

Arthur Weasley looked up from his latest Muggle purchase, a Slinky. Someone was laughing very very loudly. Sounds like Tonks, he though absently. Then he returned to his Slinky and made it 'walk' down a stack of books set up like stairs on his desk.

* * *

"I need a cup of tea." said Remus's mouth.

_Does everyone think I'm gay! _He screamed inside his head.

Snape had called him gay once, when they were still in school. Sirius had punched him in the nose and told him no one called Remus a fairy except him. And Sirius had called him a fairy almost every other day, so had James and Peter. But had they meant it?

Remus drank his tea shakily; he held the teacup with his pinkie stuck out. He set his cup down with a clatter and about half the tea sloshed over the side of the cup.

"Oh dear, silly me, making such a mess." said Remus as he mopped up the tea with a napkin. Then he stopped.

"Merlin," he muttered and thumped his head down on the table. Right into the half-cleaned tea puddle. "Maybe I am gay."

* * *

Down in some dark, seedy corner of the world several Death Eaters gathered to plot.

"I heard the Tonks mudblood is marrying the werewolf," said one.

"Really?" Said another, whose voice behind his mask sounded suspiciously like a former Potions teacher, "I'd always assumed Lupin was gay."

"You must be wrong!" said a third, "Remus is more of a fey than the Queen of the fairies!"

"...What the hell are you talking about Wormtail?" the second speaker drawled.

Wormtail cringed visibly, "I just meant he's gayer than a hairdresser named Sergio."

"I have a hairdresser named Sergio..."said the fourth member of the assembly.

"Shut up Cissa."

* * *

In case anyone's wondering this is a great epic in three parts, this being the second of those parts. The third should be up in a day or two.

A happy belated Thanksgiving to everyone in the States. If your elsewhere, a happy belated November 24th! Let the singing of the politically correct winter holiday carols commence!


	3. Remus and Tonks Gasp!

Here we are at the beginning of the end...Took me forever to type this but I'm betting no one cares. I still own nothing, so lawsuits are still pointless. Enjoy!

When Tonks arrived home Remus was laying on the couch holding a pillow over his face. Tonks gently pried it out of his hands and took it off his face.

"Are you trying to smother yourself?" she asked curiously.

"I've had an awful day." Remus said. He sat up to make room for Tonks on the couch. Tonks promptly sat on him instead.

"Oof." said Remus.

Tonks tilted her head back so she could see an upside down and rather forlorn looking Remus. "Why was it so awful?"

Remus sighed, "Today is apparently 'Let's Question Remus's Sexuality Day.'"

"Really?" Tonks laughed, "Kingsley was in on in too, he asked me the same thing this morning."

Remus groaned, " I'm sorry love we can't get married because the people have spoken and they all say Remus Lupin is gay!"

Tonks just laughed harder, "Oh Remus, relax! I know you're not gay! You know you're not gay!"

"I certainly hope so." Remus muttered

"Tonks smiled and twisted herself around to hug him. "If it makes you feel better Kingsley knows now too."

"Yippee." Remus sighed. Tonks was holding a manila folder in one hand. Remus John Lupin was written neatly in purple ink along the edge. Remus had just noticed it, mostly because when she had hugged him it had whacked him upside the head.

"What's this evilness?" Remus asked, gesturing at the file, "Have you compiled evidence of my gayness?"

"No," Tonks smirked. "It's your file from the Auror's office. I was thinking about you so I borrowed it."

"I have a file?" Remus said, slightly surprised. As far as he knew he'd done nothing illegal, well, nothing he couldn't blame on Sirius.

"_Everyone_ has a file." Tonks said mysteriously, "Harry's is about three inches thick, poor kid."

Another thought had occurred to Remus, "Are you allowed to take files home?"

"Nope!" Tonks replied happily.

"Tonks!" Remus said quite reproachfully. He frowned at her, "Your going to get in trouble."

"Oh don't Remus," she said," First off, you look like my mother when you do that. And aren't you even a little curious?"

"No." he said firmly.

"Alright then," she said. With that she slid off his lap to the other side of the couch. She then opened to folder dramatically and exclaimed, "Gasp! I had no idea!'

"What?" asked Remus.

"Ha! You are curious!" Tonks grinned triumphantly.

"Maybe a bit..." he said, and then he abandoned his already shredded composure, scooted closer to Tonks and asked, "What's in there anyway?"

Tonks riffled through the papers, "Hmm... records of your school grades, only an 'Acceptable' in NEWT level Arithmancy? I am shocked!"

"I hated Arithmancy." Remus sighed.

Tonks continued, "Psychological profile and a WI-3714 form," she held up a bright blue sheet, " that let's us know your a werewolf and authorizes deadly force if the Ministry orders you brought in."

"What?" Remus hadn't been surprised his condition was in there, but the 'deadly force' thing was new to him.

Tonks sighed sadly, "That's standard operating procedure for evil Dark Creatures such as yourself." She brightened slightly and added, "But I've threatened everyone in the office with a slow painful death if they so much as stun you, so no worries.'

"Are you _trying _to get fired?" Remus asked earnestly.

Tonks winked at him and replied, "Remus if I want to get fired will do it when and how I want to, and you can't stop me."

Remus smiled, "I'm not that stupid. I know better than to try to stop you."

Tonks smiled back and then returned to the folder, "There's also a record of everywhere you've worked. What's 'Bob's Funland'?"

Remus groaned again, "It was a Muggle place I worked at one summer. It was basically an arcade with a miniature golf course out back."

Tonks nodded, "My dad took me to a place like that once..." she paused and smirked at Remus then added, "Did you retrieve lost balls?"

"Actually I worked at the food court selling dirty children candy and stale nachos." he said sheepishly.

"Poor dear!" she patted his arm. "According to the psychological profile your eager to please and borderline co-dependent."

"I knew that already," Remus sighed. "What's that on the back?"

Tonks pulled the small green note off the paper, glanced at it, and burst out laughing. Remus took it from her and read:

He's a bloody poofer!

-contributed by Alastor Moody

That's it for now; I promise I'll try to come up with more ideas, some of which will hopefully be longer than this, but no promises. I think better in scenes and piecing together a coherent story from a handful of random scenes is hard! Thank you, you're all wonderful.


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